Once you get jealous, “your thoughts tends to fill within the gaps with worst-case eventualities and assumptions that aren’t at all times grounded in info,” Quinlan explains—which is why she recommends difficult this narrative with logic. So earlier than assuming the worst of your accomplice and throwing out accusations, cease and ask your self: What different proof do I even have that they’re nonetheless caught on their ex? Likelihood is, you’ll have a better time constructing a case for the way a lot they care about you—perhaps they supported you throughout a troublesome profession transition or despatched a considerate message this morning—which might put these doubts to relaxation, Quinlan says.
One other solution to put issues right into a extra rational perspective? Flip the script. Do I comply with any previous flings on social media, and does that imply something romantically? (In all probability not!) Over time, Reynolds says, an everyday fact-checking behavior may also help remind you that your jealous ideas aren’t at all times correct or sensible.
3. Be intentional about prying into their romantic historical past.
Rehashing previous relationships collectively will be helpful—it’s a chance to replicate on what you realized from these previous experiences and what you need extra (or much less) of transferring ahead. That mentioned, realizing each little element about their wild intercourse life, say, or dissecting each battle they’ve had in all probability gained’t do you any favors.
Earlier than you begin asking nosy questions, Reynolds says it’s value checking with your self first: What’s the purpose of realizing this proper now? For example, will studying what number of instances per week they connected truly enhance your bed room life? Will it show you how to perceive and assist your accomplice higher? Or will their response simply encourage a brand new picture you’re higher off not having in your thoughts?
As an alternative, she recommends reframing your curiosity into extra open-ended questions that’ll preserve the dialog productive and comfy for everybody concerned. So swap “What did your ex try this pissed you off probably the most???” with one thing like “Did your final relationship educate you something about resolving conflicts or dealing with arguments basically?” (See how that tweak focuses on development reasonably than comparisons—and sounds an entire lot higher?)
4. Embrace what’s proper in entrance of you.
Among the finest methods to maintain your accomplice’s previous relationships from overshadowing your happiness, in accordance with each specialists, is to shift your focus to the wonderful connection you could have within the current. “Keep in mind, the previous is up to now for a motive,” Quinlan says. “And it’s essential to acknowledge that they’re selecting to be right here with you now.”
You possibly can keep grounded in your present state of affairs by training gratitude for what (or who) you could have right this moment, she says—maybe by making a listing in your notes app of what makes your bond particular and referencing it every time your retroactive jealousy creeps in. Or actively strengthen your connection by creating new reminiscences collectively: Plan a weekend getaway in a metropolis you’ve each been dying to discover, say, or flip occasional date nights right into a weekly custom. The extra you pour into your love life, the much less you’ll really feel the necessity to measure it in opposition to their previous.
5. Speak by your jealous ideas collectively.
Opening up about your emotions would not have to show right into a heated confrontation or a dramatic confession about your low vanity. It’s extra about going through challenges (on this case, retroactive jealousy) as a crew, reasonably than letting it create distance between you.